Dream

I have come to the conclusion that I am a taker who seems to be missing the giver. I was comfortable with thinking that I do give, on some level, of the less obvious type, but I think I may have actually lost this trait. It's easy to think about the recent past and make a list of good deeds I have done in return for them to be done back to me, but it's extremely hard for me to think of right now - this moment - and list off the things I have done in return for what I have. I think spending a year in residence sans any real kicks in the butts has transformed me into some numb-zombie-robot-girl who expects the people around her to support her because she's got nothing.

Fortunately, I am realizing this now, and I now know that as soon as I get a job and get back on my feet, it's all got to go up from there. I owe people so much more than I realized (and we're not just talking monetary things) and I have to pay them back. A great many people have done so much for me and I'm sick of sitting on their goods deeds and sopping them in like a wet sponge. I am not a wet sponge. I am a... uh... hmm...

Shit.

Lost my train of thought.

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Nope, nothing. But anyhow, what goes around comes around, right?

"Nobody can save you but yourself, and you're worth saving. It's a war not easily won, but if anything is worth winning, then this is it. Think about it. Think about saving yourself. Your spiritual self. Your gut self. Your beautiful self. Save it. Don't join the dead-in-spirit. Maintain your self with humor, with grace, and finally if necessary, wager your life as you struggle, damn the odds, damn the price. Only you can save yourself."

- Charles Bukowski

1. It's my LAST NIGHT IN RESIDENCE tonight.  The roommate left me a sweet note (see photo below).  She hit the road back to the Bay yesturday.  It's been a sweet year but I think that I can actually say that I won't miss this place much.  I don't really have any pertinent attachments here.
2. I have successfully attained a copy of the brand new Brand New demos and they make me very happy.  Combined with the new Angels & Airwaves album, I am one emo adolescent.  I was hesitant to use the word emo because I might actually be a tad more anti-social, but that can all be worked out.  I'm not too worried.
   
3. If everything works out, I will be the proud owner of a maroon '90 LeSabre.  A CAR (see photo below)!  From the moment I layed eyes on the bench seats and the casette player, we fell in love.  I can honestly say that this vehicle is the only thing I am meant to be with right now.  Pathetic of me?  Slightly.
4. My new cell phone has access to the internet and I feel like I need someone to slap my wrists because I've probably spent a little too much time online than I can afford.  Fortunately I have bought myself a polyphonic ringtone that just so happens to go by the name of "Lover I Don't Have to Love" by the one and only Bright Eyes.  Quite enjoyable, if I do say so myself.
5. I have my last examination tomorrow at 2:00 P.M. and I am undoubtedly the most unprepared student in the class.  Maybe I should start to study.
6. On an entirely different note, everything I've built up inside of myself has been completely demolished this past week.  I brought all my things home last week and basically moved myself back home.  I am so miserable at home.  This is why I enjoyed myself so so so so much in Ottawa and I told myself that I would bring that attitude home with me.  I would have a great summer, be all independant and junk, and have such an amazing time.  Firstly, my plan to treat my house as a "rent-a-room" where I wouldn't have to talk to the other dwellers has crashed and burned.  I talk to them lots. And lots.  And by them, I mostly just mean my mother whom I attempted to boycott and failed because she is constantly yelling at something or other and I can't help but hear (even when i crawl into the corner of my front bedroom and cover myself in blankets and pillows listening to Dallas Green on full blast).  Frustrating?  Yes.  Very.  Unavoidable?  Yes.  Very, apparently.
7. I was just extremely distracted from my "list-ness" due to a visit from roommate's boyfriend.  It was a nice conversation.

Peace Out Ottawa,
See you in the summer when I come back in search of a dwelling for Septemeber...

As for the photos...

If I do anything, I thought, why not write a livejournal entry to commemorate my last hours in this prison cell? I have an exam coming up at 9 a.m. It’s an exam of the important kind… a journalism exam… that I wish I could write right now. Yes, it came as a shock to me, but I am excited to go home. I want the privacy of my own room, access to friends and a vehicle, liquor, veggie burgers at my disposal, a weekly cleaned shower, a mother to do my laundry, oh divine!! How excited am I?!

The truth of the matter is that I need to go home to go forward in this life as I have rendered myself cashless and, therefore, completely un-self-supporting.

Fack.

Drinking in the park avec Meaghan, Michael, and Kristin commences tonight A.S.A.P. followed by sweet, sweet visits from hotties like Jen Brown and Jenna Davies. Paint me ecstatic.

Tonight my mother has relinquished her position as my sole provider. Mind you, this isn’t the first time, but it might be the right time. You can only tell someone the same thing for so many years before it, hopefully, sinks in --- and I say hopefully because if one puts such great amounts of effort into instilling, for example, the fact that they don’t want you around anymore, it’s got to mean something. The reason I draw on this notion is because I tend to wonder whether or not people tend to express how they truly feel or if it’s just how they felt at that specific moment of expression.

I guess the only way to figure that out is to let go… if that’s what she wants. The great thing about that is that I have no problem with that. To think about it, most of me has already let go.

And in the light of letting go, I wish I could just. The only problem is that it may leave me without a mother’s support, and a father’s presence.

Meh..

On another note, I took a cute picture of us today:

9 - lasts:
*Last place you went: I travelled to the cafeteria to fetch me some diner.
*Last shower: this morning.
*Last beverage: bottled water ♥.
*Last trip: to Trolleywood last Monday for a sweet, sweet time.
*Last movie seen: Robots.
*Last phone call: Michael-face, obv.
*Last cd played: The Rocket Summer.
*Last bubble bath: oh gosh, I miss being at home where I have access to a clean tub that 3 other dirty girls don't share.
*Last time you cried: not long ago; a few days would be my best bet.

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8 - have you evers:
*Have you ever dated someone twice: yes, I have.
*Have you ever been cheated on: yes, I have.
*Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: yes, I have, but not so much regretted as thought, "I'm dumb."
*Have you ever fallen in love: yes, I have. With the world... a few times over.
*Have you ever been depressed: yes, I have.
*Have you ever been drunk and thrown up: yes, I have. (hah).
*Have you ever hit another person: yes, I have.

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7 - states/provinces/countries you've been to:
*Ontario
*Quebec
*New York
*New Jersey
*Florida
*Costa Rica
*Maine (in dreams)

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6 - things you've done in the last 24 hours:
*Sat outside in the 22 degree weather and read my book.
*Studied my face off for an exam I feel I did really well on (accordingly).
*Craved major chocolate and insane weight loss (goes hand in hand).
*Thought about everything and nothing and all that's happened this past year.
*Caught up with my super sweet penpal.
*Watched a great deal of random episodes of pointless television.

(I haven't been very productive. This history exam took a toll on me these past few days.)

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5 - favorite things (in no particular order):
*Smiles and laughs.
*Sunshine and rain.
*Taking pictures of pretty people.
*Picnics and swings.
*Food dates.

(I am really excited for this summer.)

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4 - people you can tell pretty much anything to (in no particular order):
*Michael-face
*Brenda Thorne
*Kristin Anne
*Trolley-bell

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3 - favorite colors:
*Pink
*Yellow
*Orange

(Blank is not a colour, it's a shade).

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2 - things you want to do before you die:
*Publish something.
*Visit the world.

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1 - thing you regret:
*No regrets.. what a waste of time that would be.

so i ot's 3:43 in the morn ad i went back today for the sencod time this year and the third time of my life. funy how the average 18 year old univesity studet in ottawa culd probably say that they've visited hull every other weeked or at least may more times thN 3. HAHAHAHAHAHAH fire alarm ahahahahahahahahahaha i fucking hate this residence fire alrarm core ness okay peace out. fuck im drunkkkkkkkk fuckfuckfck i guess i have to leave now. ok well tonight was just great. i guess we arent leaving. hahahahahahahahahhaha fuck yup we're still here. lets hope wedont get fined. this is me and my roommate and the two boys in boycots for this shitty sitch which sucks because my ears are ringing and HAH fire alarms are for the weak. the captain sinks with the ship, right? so i'll go down with my...uh...shit? in my room..i mean, if my stuff burns, i do too? okay. i hope you had a great night. aslo, i would like to note that it is quite amusing how, as i continued to make my pasta in my hotpot by boiling twice as much water as it recommended, i joked about setting the fire alarm off because i was breaking hotpot-rules, and..now..the alarm is going off. suck on that. what are the odds/ i make a fire alarm joke ad now it's goig off? this entry was supposed to be about hull and how sweet a night i had ad now the fire alarm acked that. what a bitch. haha. the fire fighters walked past our door 28759846 times and we sat here laughing at their sorry asses because tey are at work and we are sitting here eating pasta. good times guys. goot times.







p.s. shotgun rules tonight was awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwesome yes mhm. pictures tomorrow.

p.s.s. it sounds like spring break outside.

p.p.s..s just to let you kow the alarm is over and all is well in the world.

p.s..s.s. i was totally goig to call the mother and tell her i was breakinng the law but i'm either (a) way lame becase i thought of doing that or (b) way lame because i wanted to call my mother at a time like this. i am lame. do you concur?






lolz, guys.
\

happy april fools/daylight savings, yo.

Yesturday was a jolly good time. The day was nice and walking downtown was superb. I remembered how I felt when I first walked down Spark Street to Holt Renfrew and how badly I wished I could afford a $585.00 hand bag and a matching $320.00 scarf. Yup. It was nice to be around people downtown, and I had a jolly time using Michael as my subject for many a photos. Sometimes you just need a reminder of those little things that brought you here in the first place.

Oh divine, this lovely day
When spring has come
And it finally, here, feels like home.

Oh divine, this lovely day
When spending time alone
Makes no difference to these bones.

Oh divine, this lovely day
To see people pass me
As they walk by.

Oh divine.

I went on an adventure on the other side of the canal in search of a tree I once met but, to my dismay, the path was far too muddy for me to tread upon.

It just really isnt healthy to think so much so wrongly about so many things. I need to sleep, but I know I won't find that here. It's funny how, when there's nothing to do and I aspire to sleep my useless time away, I just can't. Never have been able to, probably never will, but who's to say. And the downside is that no one's ever around to help pass the time.

It's light outside and, so far tonight, I've only reaquainted myself with an old friend and remembered most of all my bad habits.

Don't think I'm conceited or naïve, or young or immature. Don’t think that I’m simple or complicated or anything at all. Don’t think that I’m bossy or overbearing or trying to be a dictator. Don’t listen to what I’m saying, don’t do anything at all. Please, do whatever you see fit. But please don’t think that I don’t need you because I do.



annie girl; /33 says (8:18 PM):
al i do is bitch at you and tell you i like you but i want you to change
who does that?

michael-face<3 says (8:19 PM):
why do you want me to hate you?

annie girl; /33 says (8:19 PM):
i dont know.

michael-face<3 says (8:19 PM):
i don't either

annie girl; /33 says (8:19 PM):
i guess its my way of protecting myself from assholes.
i cant trust you.
and i want to so badly but i cant

michael-face<3 says (8:19 PM):
all i want is friendship
seriously

annie girl; /33 says (8:20 PM):
you need trust in a friendship michael
we dont have that
and that pisses me off and i get mad at you all the time ebcause i cant handle to fact that i cant trust my only friend
and i hate you so badly and i cant comprehend how i can have so much love for you at the same time
but i fucking hate what you did to me!
its like this big black cloud that makes its way over my head everytime i talk to you
it appears after a while and i end up bitching at you because im so goddamn frustrated
and i cant understand why someone would do that to me. i still cant comprehend what my father and my mom's ex did to my mother. i dont understand that and i promised myself that owuld NEVER happen to me and it did!! how do i deal with that??? i was never taught how tdeal with that.

i dont know what to do.

michael-face<3 says (8:23 PM):
i don't know what you should do either. but i can only hope that you don't rid me from your life.
there's so many small things about you that make me happy and i don't think you see that.

annie girl; /33 says (8:26 PM):
i dont care about your happiness right now michael. i care about m sanity. do you understand what i go through every time i think of what has happened? do you understand how complicated my head is? i dont even understand it and im telling you that you dont need this right now because i dont care about you right now. i care about the fact that i feel like i am falling apart and i try to talk to you the best way that i can but i get mad before i can try to talk to you because i cant trust you and you donteven see how badly i need you because you dont do anything and it kills me

because my way of confiding in people isnt really confiding at all
but that's just how i deal with things
you dont see the little things and that frustrates me becuase thats all i can provide you with
thats just the way i am and you have no idea

michael-face<3 says (8:27 PM):
if there's anything i can do right now to make you feel better let me know and i will do it

annie girl; /33 says (8:27 PM):
who i am

you have no idea
i dont tell people what to do
if you cant figure it out then theres nothing to be done
im sorry

This is the only way for me to deal with what's been dealt;


You take this fragile woman and place her on the stand
And ask her how she really feels about her man
And she whispers that she loves him, but the audience can see through her eyes
And they know in their hearts that she’s speaking in lies
And she takes a breath in and she lets that breath out
And she holds back her tears and she holds back her doubts
And she wakes up every morn’ and brushes her teeth,
And she brushes off arguments she had in her sleep
And she smiles at work and she visits her friends
And they drink to their lies and they laugh and pretend
That all is okay and that everything’s fine
But reality strikes as they uncork the wine
And this woman gets a call and the voice on the line
Isn’t as happy and isn’t as fine
And the words that she hears have always been there
But they were never for sure or brought up between the pair
And she’s holding the phone away from her face
And she wishes so bad to escape from this place
And she tells her best friend with a backbone and beer
That her husband hasn’t been a husband for the past six years
And he wants to try to make things look and feel like it’s love,
To look like a happy couple fits the happy glove,
But the ending to this still remains deeply unclear
Because what lies between them is one somber tear
And no one can change the decisions you make
And no one can fix the hearts that you break
And no one can tell how much you affect
The bastard in side you or the distant reject
But if I had one word for that man I abhor
I’d apologize for his filthy rapport
And I wish on the world that it would erase
All the filthy actions people are forced to embrace
And the mark that these monsters leave on a person’s soul
Is hard to forget, and even harder to console
And the only thing I feel confident enough to say
Is that we all go to bed and wake up the next day
And time passes by and it’s hard to deal
With the things that once were, what made us feel real
And all I have learned from this pattern is that
You must take the good and you must leave the bad
And you must look inside you and dig way down deep
For that part of your heart that you guard secretly
For it’s what will help you out when the road turns to rough
Your heart is your voice and your backbone, oddly enough.

Première photo avec mon nouveau bébé;



(naturellement il est de moi)

There were three ladies that made my slightly neurotic, anti-social day. They are as follows:

1. My Roommate; By chance we ended up on the same bus with different destinations. She was going to interview a suspected terrorist. I was going to get a camera case. We talked about the things I already knew about because, well, we do live in the same room.
   
2. Random Bus Girl; I hopped on a packed 97 and headed downtown. I was obtrusively standing over this young girl (I told you the bus was packed) who was maybe 15 or 16. I looked down and saw that she was staring at me. She smiled and said, “I really like your makeup.” I said, “Thanks.”
   
3. Old Lady at Film Screening; For three hours I listened to her ask her husband questions about the most random things. He neglected to answer even one. There was a discussion after the film where a young man with a deep, manly voice, obvious stubble, and dark curly hair (yes, slightly attractive) who raised a debate and this lady goes, “Jon, is that a man or a woman speaking? I can’t really tell. He looks like a woman.” As soon as she identified this a-sexual being as a “he”, I giggled a little.

While I was sitting in the cafeteria five minutes ago, I began to think about this whole detachment thing again. I began to think about goodbyes and all, and I remembered that I once decided that I don’t really miss people, but rather the things that I did with those people. My memory is weird in that I can’t quote what was said or really tell you exactly what happened, but I can undoubtedly describe exactly how I felt at the time. And to me, that means to much more. I can feel it inside me. And I feel so alive.

When someone says that they miss me, something inside me questions why I cannot muster up the guts to tell them that I honestly miss them back. Maybe it’s because I don’t? But sure, I miss the things we did and how happy I was when I was with them, but I grew up saying (or thinking about) goodbyes so, I’m thinking, maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me. I wish I’d never have to say goodbye, but I do, and there’s nothing that can change that.

But some things still don’t really add up. This makes me furrow my (ugly) brows.

Purchased; Wednesday, March 15, 2006 for $1011.98 plus tax.

First photograph coming soon.

I think I’ve mastered the art of detachment and I say this because the average person, from what I have gathered through observation, exhibits emotion on some scale or another from any given (positive) experience. This is obvious. This emotion is the sort that links them to the subject and forms a bond or connection to them, regardless of the initial principle of the act. Is it adequate to state that, when or if a person is able to walk away from an experience without feeling any sort of connection with the subject (one that would normally be made if said average person were to partake in the same event), they experience not a connection but a detachment and are able to, for lack of better terminology, “think outside the box” in regards to said experience, therefore attaining a great deal more of an intellectual or spiritual movement and ultimately gaining more of a self-awareness than any other average person would have? If this makes the least bit of sense, then do you understand why detachment seems so much more profitable to me?

Gah.. I crawled out of bed to write that and, in re-reading it, I think I am destined to a life in solitude.

My body is tired.

A grandmotherly lady with a sense of humour and an addiction to familial reaction would only be expected to want to attend her daughter's Fantasia party. I don't understand why everyone was so surprised when they heard that she would be in attendance. Here she sits browsing the lingerie catalogues. I never thought I'd see the day when my very own grandmother would sit through a presentation about edible body creams, flavoured lubes, sex games, and dildos and then precede to walk into the private buying room and come out with an opaque bag full of anonymous goodies. I was the only one who laughed out loud (yes, i LOL'd!!1). I basically love her more than she might ever know, regardless of all the smarts she has hiding inside her head. What a great lady. I could only hope to become at least half of how great she is.

1. My uncle once: smoked a lot of pot at my grandparent’s anniversary barbeque (or so says the rumours). 2. Never in my life have I: regretted any one of the major decisions I have had to make. 3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile: the only person capable of this is the legendary Brenda Thorne. 4. High School was: the most developmentally wasted faction of my adolescence. 5. When I'm nervous: I get a shallow feeling inside my chest and I tend to zone, stutter, or make things up when I speak. 6. The last time I cried was: I actually can’t remember. This is odd(ly robotic). 7. If I were to get married right now: I don’t think I’d feel very happy or secure. I need to take care of me before I am given the opportunity to take care of someone else. 9. My feet are: unbelievably ticklish. Don’t you dare touch them. 10. When I was five: I had long red hair and a beautiful smile. I have a hard time drawing a connection to the little girl I see I old photos and the me I am today. 11. Last Saturday I: hungout with sweet people and slept in a comfy bed. 12. When I turn my head left, I see: a tan-coloured, brick-patterned concrete wall. 13. When I turn my head right, I see: 80 other students discussing random insignificants. 14. When I look down, I see: my jacket, scarf, mitts, purse, and everything that fell out of my book bag. It’s a messy pile of blah. 15. The craziest recent event was: last Friday, when I went to Montreal with two friends. It was a sincere combination of misleading directions, one-way streets, club hours, huge boobs, awkward interviews, a silent show, and tequila that still leaves me questioning whether or not it was a purely amazing night or just exceptionally weird. 16. If I was a character on 'The Sopranos' I'd be: the bad girl…because…I am a bad girl? But seriously, it would be a good time. I’ve never held a gun. 17. By this time next year: it will be February 2007 and I hope to be working, schooling, and living off-campus. Side projects to be developed at a later date (i.e. this summer). 18. My favorite kind of tea is: Starbuck’s green tea lemonade. That’s how close I get to liking tea. 19. I have a hard time understanding: my thought process. 20. One time at a family gathering: my mom thought it was okay to tell me that I should be friends with my third cousin because he is a cute, hockey player. 21. You know I "like" you if: I tell you. Let’s be honest, here. 22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank is: my father… then my mother
♥. 23. Take my advice: to the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world. Let’s be cliché here. 24. My ideal breakfast is: a fried egg with a piece of brown toast. Problem is, I don’t often eat breakfast. Oh, and eggs don’t often fit in with the whole veganism thing? 25. If you visit my hometown: you must realize that if you have an awesome weekend, moving there won’t make an awesome life. London is a pretty dull place. 26. Where do you plan to visit anytime soon: I am going to North Bay for a visit, and to London soon after. I am also planning to go to New Zealand either this summer or next. 27. If you spend the night at my house: we will party like it’s 1999. I love company. 29. The world could do without: exclusivity. 30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: trade my family for my father. 31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: I bought myself groceries. It was a beautiful day. 32. Most recent thing someone else bought you: liquor. 33. My favorite blonde is: my cousin, Ash. 34. My favorite brunette/black is: Natalie Portman. 35. My favorite red head is: Gilly-more. 36. And by the way: I will never trade your friendship for anything in the world. I love a part of everyone that I know and I cannot thank all of you enough for simply knowing my name. Everything you’ve taught me means so much more than you may ever realize. 37. Last time you got high: I woke up and vowed I will never do that again… at least not for a while. 38. The animal I would like to see flying besides birds: would be a pterodactyl because they’ve been in my dreams lately and I think they’re cool. Really cool. 39. I shouldn't have been: so introverted, so controlled, so desperate, so dependant. 40. Once, at a bar/club: I watched the most amazing band (Anathallo) perform 5 feet in front of me, then I sat and watched the mod kids dance and it was practically superb. 41. Last night: I watched Adaptation in film class. I need to watch it again to gather my thoughts on what I think of this film. 42. There's this woman I know who: doesn’t really know herself. 43. This guy I know: once tried to fit himself into a drying machine in the rez laundry room. It was probably one of the funniest, most amusing things that have happened here in this boring place. 44. My birthday is: on the first of November.

My history professor begins discussing watershed moments in history and the topic of 9/11 arises. It was a hinge-point in our past, he says, and the world will never be the same because of 9/11. He goes into how lucky he is to be a white male because going through airline security is a lot easier for him than for other men.

“All I have to do is tell them I am a Carleton professor,” he says.

Taking his next breath in preparation for continuing the discussion, he pauses.

“Well,” he says, “Telling them I am a professor from Carleton holds me up sometimes because they check me for pot, but that’s another story.”

My eyes float around in their sockets as I attempt to commence concentration on the lecture at hand. I can’t seem to grasp the words as they roll of his tongue and slip through the space between his two lips. He’s talking so fast. I consume insufficient words that make little sense within my mindless mind. Where have I gone?

I blink to remoisten the white area of the gateway of my soul and a self-conscious complex blossoms within me. People are staring at me. I wince. Something flickers behind my eyes. Are people starring at me?

I can’t grasp the walls of the land in which I now reside. I’ve been here for a while and I have yet to settle in. I am a traveler in a foreign land without a map, without a voice, without any idea of why I feel I’ve been here before. I feel I should be frightened of this place. It is familiar - the faceless people, the blank architecture, the empty feeling. I am within the essence of nothing and everything but not quite something and I can’t pull myself together enough to get myself out. Do I even want out?

I massage my hands to help me relax. I don’t even know if it feels good anymore. The feeling has grown parallel to any other bad habit I’ve ever had. After a while I forget why I took up such a horrendous practice. Because it felt good? I can never remember. Twenty-one days to rid of a bad habit, it takes. Only twenty-one days. I need to break this bad habit. These bad habits. Give me twenty-one days.

Sometimes I walk and I walk and I try to take in all that I say, all that I feel, and everything around me that is so god damned real, but when I walk away from this connective experience I am so utterly disconnected every time. I am so disconnected. Am I disconnected?

Why do I always seem to second-guess myself? I always second-guess myself. Do I second-guess myself? I thought I had everything all figured out. Do I have everything figured out? I feel like I am the moss that grows on a tree. The tree, it’s me. It’s me, having everything figure out. It’s me, together. It’s me, secure and confident, pretty, healthy. The tree is me. The moss, it’s me, too. But the moss, it’s me, right now. Now as in me, the past 2-3 years. It’s me, growing over me, covering the things that held me together, showing the world a different me. Like moss grows over the base of a tree, I am growing over the base of me. And I can’t get rid of it.

Now that I think of it, I can’t get rid of a great many things. Most importantly, I can’t get rid of this great distraction. This great distraction. I missed the lecture, the task at hand, because of this great distraction. This great distraction. This great distraction is not so great. It’s a fucking distraction. Diversion. Disruption. But every time I think that there’s such a horrendous occurrence inside of me, I think, the moss has yet to eat the tree. And it’s true. The moss has yet to eat the tree.

Page views upon page views of friends, family, and unfamiliars lurking nothing worth lurking at all. I throw so many words away that I wish I could just say - but it's not right. Or at least the timing isn't. All the feelings that I have - all they do now is confuse me and teach me to be something I'm not - at least for a short while.. until I figure out that's not really how I feel. Is this change?

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and listen to your heart beat because I've never been lucky enough to hear your heartbeat - so pure and natural. I would never let go, unless you asked me politely. I would respect you and your wishes, although it may tear me apart.

But I am a strong girl.

I am grateful for your friendship because you give me hope that there's a love out there unlike all the best friends I've had who, somehow, turn out to be less of friends than I could have imagined.

And for that, I thank you. It's all I have to give. A thank you and maybe a hug or two, as long as you promise to let me listen to you live - let me listen to your heartbeat - and convince me that, even when my heart wishes to cease after each beat, life's a beautiful thing.

You remind me of my own ideals that I'd lost somewhere between finding myself and losing a great deal of nothing.

I guess all I need sometimes is a reminder and as stubborn as I am, I will always save a place for you in my heart. If you ever happen to search for a friend, a stranger, or someone to sit and drink with, call on me for that is what I am and probably always will be to you. And I am okay with that because you've done more for me then you will know.